I’ve been on birth control since I was about 15, to deal with the hormone shifts I would get, and apparently still get. Most of the physical effects of my period were always pretty light, and never bothered me much. But the anxiety, the mood swings, the irritability, that was one of the biggest issues.
Since having been on birth control for more than a decade for the most part (small periods of time without), I’d forgotten just how bad hormonal shifts can be. Because of the time it takes for the birth control to get out of the system, I have the feeling that it just hadn’t gotten enough out of my system for me to really experience the full, natural brunt of my period, especially since shortly after I got married when I started the Depo-Provera shot. (Explained in a recent post.)
But since the conception in December, and the miscarriage in March…things have been shot-put back into the “natural” range chemically for me. Which I’m insanely happy about. Things are changing for the better in some areas, and we’re both very happy about that.
But, I’m getting broadsided by the intense swells of irritiability and downright bitchiness I’m experiencing. I’m tracking my periods, and my symptoms, being a good little woman trying to get pregnant. I’ve never bother tracking these things before. I never really understood any real reason to track it other than a guesstimate as to when I’d have my next period.
I’m really coming face-to-face with really paying attention to the little tidbits that come with having a “normal” period. And being the rational thinker that I like to try to be…it is very hard for me to be so irrational, and not get frustrated with myself, which only makes the issue a hell of a lot worse.
It gets really hard to not lash out, it gets really hard to be able to control those impulses. Which is frustrating. That is something I’ve worked very hard on in the last 6-7 years. To periodically and temporarily have that control basically torn from my grasp is incredibly infuriating. I feel bad, so incredibly bad for James, because he ends up getting those lashes when he comes home from work.
The weirdest part is, when I listen to myself….it’s really no worse than some people are normally. Which shows me just how much I’ve managed to work on the kind of tone of voice I use most often in conversation. The work I’ve done on this has caused me to have a far lower tolerance level for people who have crappy tones when I’m out in the world, dealing with people. Just yesterday I brought the car in to get serviced, and the man I was dealing with was amusing and relatively charming, but also very cocky and talked over me, and sometimes condescendingly. It took quite a bit of my already thin patience to just let it wash over me and get through the exchange and get home.
I’m rambling at this point, I realize. Another fun side effect of having my period. My attention span isn’t that great, I have a hard time concentrating, I lose my words, and I have a hard time comprehending simple things sometimes. Another way to make me incredibly frustrated. The more the chaos, either emotionally, or situationally, or physically, I get frustrated and can’t get a damned thing done. Talk about feeling useless.
One of the questions I asked myself earlier today was this:
How do you deal rationally, with irrationality? Especially when it’s your own?
Yeah, I know all the junk everyone can tell me (and I’ve told others) about taking breaths, relaxing, meditating, blah…blah…blah. But sometimes, those things just DO NOT work. It’s great when they do. It really is.
But what about those times when the chemicals are far stronger than your willpower?
That’s the place I’m at. I just really don’t know what to do other than to plod through, trying to avoid anything and everything that could possibly set me off, until it passes.