July 1st, 2011


Last night was the first night back in our house, sleeping in our own bed after a week vacationing around in Oregon.  I was so happy to be home, but also reluctant to no longer be away on vacation.  Despite a wonderful afternoon and evening getting some things done and spending time catching up on our shows, shortly after getting into bed, I broke out in tears.

After a few moments, I realized that I had walked in, instinctively expecting to see Hemi or Schroeder prancing up to meet us.  Mostly Hemi, but from time to time, both of them pop into my head.  Last night it was Hemi.  After having a companion in the two of them for a decade or so, it’s been a hard adjustment these last few months not having a furry little butthead around.

Logically I know it’s easier at times to not have pets.  Hell, having plants can be a pain in the ass when you want to travel, if you don’t always have people that can take care of them for you while you’re gone.  Want to travel?  Have to board, or have someone come over, or send the animal to someone’s house if it’s too long to leave them to their own devices.  Easier said with a cat than a dog, obviously.  Another reason why I like plants that need very little water!  Not that I have a green thumb or anything.

Often it may not seem like there’s any real difference to me that neither of my little boys are around.  But it gets to me.  Far more than even I realized for a while.  There were plenty of things to keep me pretty occupied, but even at some point, all those things only distract so much.

Back to the benefits of not having one.  Considering we’re military, we move every few years.  It’s not easy to move with a pet.  Nor is it inexpensive, depending on the method.  Flying them is almost as expensive as flying yourself.  Finding pet-friendly hotels that aren’t ungodly expensive or doesn’t charge fees is just a pain in the butt.  I know a lot of pet people will generally always say “But it’s worth it!”  And to some extent I agree….when it’s monetarily feasible.  Sometimes it’s just not as feasible.  We plan pretty well, and I think we do great for the most part.  But sometimes things all come at once, and things get harder.

Another issue is pets with kids.  We don’t have any yet, but we’re trying.  You, whoever reads these, already know that.  And changing a litter box is not technically healthy for a pregnant woman.  Which wouldn’t be an issue if hubby had a normal, 9-5 job.  But he doesn’t.  He’s gone for periods where I’m the only one to take care of the litter box.  And there’s no guaranteeing that the pet will take to the baby well.  There’s the possible heartache of having to give the pet away anyway once the baby comes and they do not get along.

There really are a lot of things to consider on both sides, and logically I know what will work for the kind of life we have.  But that doesn’t make it any easier emotionally after having pets my entire life.  I’m starting to realize between losing Schroeder, Hemi, and my first pregnancy what people talk about when they get emotional looking around at the things they’ve lost and can’t have that other people do.

I became very emotional a couple of weeks ago at a gathering with little pets and kids running around, amidst an entire group of people that I didn’t know.  I became very sad and teared up just realizing those things.  I missed my pets, I missed my friends, I missed their kids, and I wanted my own.  Emotions are hitting me far quicker and harder than they have in years now that I am no longer on birth control.  I have felt for a while that I’ve become very good at understanding a lot of things regarding emotion and thought on a more academic level, especially as they applied to different stages in my own life.  But it seems this is a whole new stage in my life where I’m really experiencing those things again, and learning all over again how to deal with them.

I apologize if I’ve rambled a bit.  Sometimes I’ve found that that is the best way for me to get things out.  A bit jumbled, a bit back and forth.  I just hope it’s at least mostly easy to follow.

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Mary

Wife, student, new first time mother. Crafter and creator. Animal enthusiast. I had a miscarriage in March 2011. But we tried again. March, 2012 was the birth of my first child. Off and on I have been dabbling with small business, trying to get it off the ground since, every so often changing direction.

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