The Past and the Future


From time to time I’m reminded of my past…some good, some bad.

In these times, I have extremely mixed feelings, and sometimes I feel nothing at all.  And sometimes, like today, I have oddly peaceful and good feelings, even if the thoughts running through my head if spoken out loud wouldn’t lend the listener to think the same thing.

I’ve realized while I’ve not lost all of the resentment and anger that I’ve had toward people has gone away, I certainly have lost a good portion of it.  Enough so that while I may not feel nothing but good toward a person, I definitely feel less hostile.  I can smile when I am reminded of that person, and be genuinely happy for them in their life and the things that are going well for them.

I have definitely found a lot of peace and acceptance in the fact that I do not need to forget in order to forgive, I do not need to forget in order to have something not hurt so much as it used to.  I’ve learned that I don’t need to forget to move on.  I can remember and not have those memories completely swallowing me, overtaking me in feelings of guilt, anger, resentment, disdain.

I feel as though this is yet another stepping stone in the maturing process, something that I had to come to realize and be able to internalize and even verbalize to some extent, before I really understood it.  Even now, as I type this, the words do not come as easily as others.  I do have to pause and work the thoughts in my head around to a point where I feel they make enough sense to try to put them down.  It’s a process of understanding that is on one hand slow-moving, but also organic and instant as the thoughts and realizations take form enough to come out of my subconscious to the forefront.

At one point (or more) in my life, I’ve felt as though people were out to get me.  Not in any kind of conspiracy-theory kind of way, (though you never know ;P) but just because people always seemed to have it out for me in some way.  People didn’t like me, despite being a very quiet and private person.  Sure, I know some people take quietness for snottiness.  That part people thought about me has been disproven time after time.  I was never a person filled with malintent, until people showed some toward me.  But that was never something I acted upon.  I was too shy, too prone to guilt complexes, too afraid of getting in trouble, too unsure of myself to do anything, let alone stand up for myself.

I’ve managed to chalk most of it up to being young, stupid, and not very mature.  Emotions rule far more when someone is a child, than rationale does.  I don’t think it excuses things, though.  While at this point in my life I can partially forgive due to that, there are points where kids start becoming adults, and maturity is supposed to blossom.  I don’t feel as though that happened early enough for a lot of the people I’ve known in my life.  Nor, for myself.  While some people turned that immaturity to hurt others, I used it to clam up.  Over time, my lack of maturity turned my naievety and good intentions into things that hurt people, which only further deepened my guilt complexes.

A bit of a jump here, but bear with me.

A lot of people say, have said, and will continue to say that getting away from people and/or things is “running away”.  I think to some extent that is true.  However, getting away from the things and the people that were far more negative for us than positive, gives us a chance to see something new, something different, something far more positive and to give us that boost that we need in order to continue making better choices for ourselves.  Learning to be able to look back and learn from the things we’ve seen, experienced, done, the things that were done to us.  To be able to pick apart the people we knew, to really see the thinsg that we don’t need in our lives and to better judge future people and surroundings.

I don’t care that some people think I ran away.  I’m glad I did.  I have discovered an incredible life because of it.  I’ve found a better life, better people, healthier surroundings.  I’ve found people like me, who have been hurt, but have managed to find good things in their life.  Gotten away from things that weren’t good.  I’ve also found people who haven’t, but also have not had the experiences I have, but still manage to be good people, mature people, who luckily had maturity at an earlier point in their life.  I’ve also found people like the ones I grew up with.  And I’ve learned to avoid them.  I’ve learned to keep them at arms length or further.  I’ve learned to surround myself with what’s good for me.  It’s a lesson that I sometimes struggle with, when I temporarily forget some of the lessons I have learned.

Sometimes we need to be reminded of the things we’ve learned, so that we do not become complacent.  And to remember to be thankful for the things we’ve found, so that we do not take for granted the things we’ve gained.

I have a checkered past.

I have a brilliant future.

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Mary

Wife, student, new first time mother. Crafter and creator. Animal enthusiast. I had a miscarriage in March 2011. But we tried again. March, 2012 was the birth of my first child. Off and on I have been dabbling with small business, trying to get it off the ground since, every so often changing direction.

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