So, we’re approaching six months.
Things are definitely changing, there’s definitely obvious progress. And of course, the occasional meltdown here and there, which I’m sure nearly all of you parents out there can identify with.
With each experience, each meltdown, I look back on it and realize that there are things I’m learning from it, but in the moments of it it feels like everything is just wrong. But each time, it passes, I get through it, and we move on. I start smiling again and it’s great.
It’s really hard to put into words the feelings that we go through during the constantly changing experiences of being a first-time mother or parent. It’s a roller coaster of emotions that I’ve not experienced in a very, very long time. Remembering the coping mechanisms and the breathing is definitely very hard some days. Being aware enough to repeat to myself that it will indeed pass…not always successful. But eventually I do remember and I start telling it to myself, and it brings some small solace.
The helpless feeling that is just so overwhelming and so fully encompassing of my entire being when it feels like there’s nothing in the world I can do to get her to stop crying is one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced. But somewhere, I know that it’s just a point where she needs to cry, as much as it kills me to let her.
I am definitely one of those new parents that just can’t let their baby cry for more than a handful of seconds. I want to be able to soothe and comfort my baby through anything. And it’s a hard lesson that I will continue to learn, that I just can’t do it right away, all the time. I feel like she’s still far too young to let go for too long when she’s upset. I feel like there shouldn’t be any reason for me to let her cry too long. I will do whatever I can to make sure she’s ok. Check and re-check diapers, make sure she’s warm enough, or cool enough, or make ultra sure she’s not hungry (being a human pacifier is definitely a full-time thing), make sure she’s not bored, make sure she’s entertained, and learning and supported and helped in her physical and intellectual milestones.
I dote. And I’m not sorry for it. I just hope I can find that eventual balance with being able to allow her to be independent once she’s not so incredibly dependent on me for so much.
And as much as I want to see her grow and progress, and I love every little thing I see her learn, I now understand the sentiments of how precious they are, not wanting to see them grow up too fast, and all the things I’ve been hearing from parents before me.
She’s still in that stage where mobility is still a very hard-won thing for her, and I love watching the ways in which she works things out for herself to get where she wants to when she wants a particular toy of hers. I love how incredibly inquisitive she is, so curious. My little sponge. And while I sometimes get frustrated with how much attention she literally demands of me at times (housework doesn’t do itself!) it’s absolutely amazing to me the ways in which she exists, so little, so young, but so much her own personality already. The interactions we have are mostly so incredible, so funny, so amazing, so goofy, so cute. Her smile just melts my heart a million times a day.
Which only makes the upset times that much harder. It hurts me to see her cry, and that I can’t stop it right away. But I know that it’s just a natural thing and that I’ve got to let her do it. I just hope that I’ll be able to embrace it enough so that it doesn’t take so much out of me when it happens. I will persevere. I will learn. I will adapt. I will grow right along my baby. We will do it together.