So, it’s been almost a month since that hike. We’re all assuming that the hike was was tweaked my back. It’s the only thing any of us can think of at this point. I finally made an appointment with my primary care doctor the other day, and she agreed. I’ve had ongoing spinal issues for years, and she did affirm that my back is slightly out of place. This doesn’t surprise me at all. And isn’t something I can’t deal with. That’s pretty normal for me.
The issues came around the other pain I have been experiencing, which has been more intense than anything I’ve dealt with in a handful of years. They also wanted to rule out the possibility of an infection, so of course I had to give a urine sample. All clear. Which only reinforces the thought that it’s indeed an issue with my muscles.
The thing about this is that my muscles are basically a massage therapist student’s dream…or possibly their nightmare. Not sure where I’d land on that spectrum. I’ve been dealing with incredibly tight/tense muscles for nearly half of my life at this point. I don’t stretch as much as I should, I admit. I really need to be far more on top of that than I am. But because of the tightness that I’ve dealt with, I’ve become accustomed to it, and have basically used it to my advantage. The tightness keeps things relatively in place, and I’ve learned to move in ways that also facilitate this.
The looseness I should have in my muscles would then need to be replaced with strength. Up until now, the tightness has been used as my strength. Which isn’t the smart thing to do. I know this. And I am really going to keep trying to make a concerted effort to change this. For my health, my well being and the ability to live life better, and take care of my family.
Since visiting the doctor’s office, I’ve been using a tens unit that they sent me home with (which was thankfully covered by my insurance). It’s certainly doing it’s job, but it’s also awakening far more pain than I’m accustomed to with this new loosening of my muscles. I’m more acutely aware of the way my muscles work and move, I’m more in tune with them now. Despite it only being a few days, it’s an incredible difference than the basic feeling I had before. I can only describe it as a kind of dissociation. I didn’t really feel the movements of my muscles before. I simply moved my body in a way that kept it mobile, but was actually far more stiff than I ever realized.
The loosening of my muscles have been both a fantastic feeling at times, but also extremely painful. It’s really showing me the amount of weakness that I really have, and just how much I have been relying on the tightness of my muscles to be my strength. I know that regardless of my intentions at any time, or what I say I want to do, my actions from here on out will be the truth in just how serious I am about my health. I need to be more serious about it.
I think that finding the comfort and acceptance of myself over the years has made me too complacent in maintaining. I’ve come to terms with being a woman with curves that will never go away. And I’ve come to love that I wear what weight I have relatively well. I’ve never looked as heavy as I was since puberty hit and I started getting my curves. But it’s definitely to the point where I need to be healthier. I feel good that I’ve never ballooned in weight. Ever. I’ve never dropped a crazy amount of weight randomly. Ever. I don’t yo-yo. This gives me a lot of confidence in that I’ll be able to gain better control over my body.
I don’t believe in dieting. But I do see the benefits of being healthier in my choices. And I know that making better choices will help me. And shedding some of the weight I’ve slowly gained over the years since graduating high school, that my back will be in better shape as well. My overall amount of pain should go down quite a bit. The more I stretch and really train my muscles back to being strong instead of tight, the better I will feel. The more I work on my entire body, the more it’ll work with itself instead of against itself.
The more I work on all the little things, the little areas, the better the central beast should be, my back. Everything is connected, literally and figuratively. So, I’ve got to make the better choices I know I can make.
But I know that I will need support in this. Both physically, and emotionally. This is not something I can do by myself, and I recognize that. Not having the active support all the time has definitely been my excuse for not being as regular with my self-care as I should be. It’s easy to be lax when there isn’t someone there reminding you, pushing you, cheering you on. I will seek out this support. And I hope I find it. And in return, I hope I can be that same support to someone else, or maybe a few other someones.