I’ve been relatively hesitant to write this, and I’m not sure how this is going to come out. I’m not sure where I want to go with it, so it may take some time to actually end up publishing this one. But its start is the evening of October 24th, 10pm.
I by no means want this to be some kind of pity party. Or to come off like a woe is me kind of thing, or that I have it harder off than other people. I’m well aware that I do not, and I’m thankful for the life I do have, even if I am in pain nearly every day.
I’m re-learning how to deal with the pain I’m in, which is unfortunately only going to get worse before it gets better as we do therapy on my back’s spine and muscles. I don’t know what other people who have worse issues than I do, do. Sometimes it’s not so bad and I can just go about my day like I normally do, but there are times when it’s just so hard. So frustrating. But I know that it can be worse. And that’s what usually gets me so bad. It’s what makes me so damned stubborn. I hate asking for help. I don’t know why. I could speculate and wax poetic about it all day long, I’m sure. But I don’t want to do that.
This is one of those things that I subconsciously blind myself to when it comes to my own behaviors. It’s been one of the hardest things for me to confront, understand and work to change. And I haven’t been able to change it because I don’t understand it. But on the other hand, I sometimes feel like I should be able to just change it without trying to understand it, by simply forcing myself to just ask for help more often. But the hard part comes when in those moments where I should ask for help, I don’t think to. To the point I rapidly go from fantastic mood, to incredible pain, to being in tears. I’m not used to devolving so seriously, so quickly that it basically blindsides me.
Hindsight being 20/20, I get some time to sit and clear my head and let the pain and frustration pass (and sometimes embarrassment) and think, “Well, I just need to do X next time.” But there will be times when I can’t do the best things for me in order to best deal with this pain until things get better. Or there will be times when I think I’m ok, and something will spasm and nearly put me on my ass. I need to not fall back into the habit of basically ignoring all the little things.
I know I need to do better in order to get better. But figuring out what that “do better” is isn’t easy. The asking for help more often without feeling guilty, or like a burden is going to be possibly the hardest hurdle for me. And I hear it all the time, that I need to just ask for help more often. But I hate possibly coming off as needy, incapable, annoying, a burden, an inconvenience. For a ton of reasons. I don’t know why I feel that way. Not sure I ever will. I do hope that I can manage to get past it, and find a comfort zone for myself regarding this and allowing myself to ask for help a little sooner sometimes.
I honestly hope that I can eventually make myself better. So far it seems like my doctor believes that there is work we can do to start “fixing” me. It’s not to the point where maintenance medication and possible surgeries are even a thought. Which I am so incredibly happy about. I know it’s going to be a lot of work, and I’m willing to do it. I would rather do the work and feel better, naturally.
But for the time being it’s so hard sometimes to get through my day with my basic sanity intact while being in pain and rearing a baby. The movements I have to do because of the baby aren’t helping my situation at all. Not that my habits are all that great when it comes to how I sit, how I move. There’s a lot of change needed in so many areas. But with the day to day, it’s sometimes hard to consciously make the little habit changes.
I’ve been trying to think of ways to actively remind myself about things, and the only thing I’ve come up with in my scatterbrained state is to get a sticky note pad and start leaving myself stickies all over the place in the house at all the points of activity for me. Not sure if it’s a good idea, or would be an effective one, but I guess it can’t hurt to get some feedback about it, then try it.
Pain is not fun to deal with at all. But having a kid/kids makes it seem a heck of a lot worse. Especially when it’s a baby that can’t get around and do things for themselves. Thankfully I had some great support and understanding at my doctor’s office regarding this. It made me feel a little better. It’s things like that that I need to hold onto a bit more to keep myself a bit more realistic about my pain.
And a talk I had with a friend of a friend (whom I hope become more than just an acquaintance to me, she’s awesome) made me realize that no matter what…sometimes other people just don’t understand what it’s like. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, and it’s very hard to get across just how hard it can be, being in this kind of pain. How frustrating it is. How it can emotionally take it’s toll on us. How it can make us feel less than. Broken. Incapable. Useless. And when hormones are all over the place in the first months after giving birth…yeah. It’s pretty damned rough. Even if we don’t show it on the outside often…we’re hurting. Both physically and emotionally. It’s hard to not just pretend that everything is better than it really is, because we don’t want to seem weak. Even if we don’t like showing it…when the last straw lands…it can seem like out of nowhere we’re not ok. It’s not out of nowhere.
Perhaps this can help shed a little light on it. Maybe it’ll just be good for me to try to get it down and out of my brain. Not sure if it’ll do any good, but I can hope that it will, one way or another.