I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.


Simple enough, right?

One would think.

Coming from the mixed up late childhood – teenage years I had, I had this silly idea that everything was some kind of mind-game.  Some of the people I hung around with certainly reinforced that idea.

As I’ve aged and matured, I’ve realized that the idea of everything being some kind of “game” while true for some, isn’t true for all.  It saddens me to have realized that so many people, of all ages (and I’m thinking it was mostly passed down from adults to kids/teens) that interactions with other human beings are some kind of elaborate game one has to learn to “play”.  (Hey, history is a good indication of this long-running idea, social graces and such.)

I’ve tried so very hard to discard the notion, and to remove those that seemed to either overtly believe in it, or misguidedly and unwittingly follow that trend through adulthood.  I’ve also tried to avoid it as best I can among people I meet along my way.  I feel like I’ve done pretty well in that regard.

While in poetry, prose, stories, literature and all that word play can be a fantastic thing.  Flowery prose, romanticism, things like that…I can absolutely accept in apt applications.

But it seems these days that while elaborate use of beautiful language is now lost and that comes with human evolution and change and progression, the base idea of it all being some kind of game hasn’t been lost at all.  And the “games” are often quite rudimentary and boorish.

The hilarious thing that is no longer lost on me is that so many people say that they don’t do “games” and all that, and don’t do drama, when the truth of the matter is that so many of them seem to thrive on it.

The time I’ve spent over the years trying to distance myself from such things, and doing the introspection I’ve done on my own behaviors, thoughts and ideas and the effort to change those things has at times been absolutely beneficial, but also at times makes me so isolated that I tend to forget what it all looks like and just when to avoid it.

The lesson is learned over and over.

Going back to the title of this blog.  I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.

This is my truth.  I simply do not play games with my words.  And because some people are so wrapped up in their own game that they don’t even sometimes realize they are playing, they think that I don’t actually mean it.  Because of said game that they are playing.  The game that society has shoved on us.  The game that history has proven as a part of many social eras.

When I say something, I mean it.  I try very hard to pick my words carefully.  I am not perfect, and far from it, but I sure as hell try to live up to this thing, this thought, this idea, this way of being and doing.

When I say something, I mean it.  There is no second meaning.  There is no hidden meaning.  There is no other interpretation.  I don’t mean one thing and say another.  I just don’t.  I’ve learned that doing that is nothing but trouble, and I learned that a long, long time ago.

When I say I’m not responsible for how someone decides to interpret what I’m saying when I am speaking as simply and as clearly as I can, I mean it.  I’m not responsible for that.  I’m responsible for communicating myself as clearly and as effectively as I can.  This idea behind self-truth, self-awareness and communication is and has been extremely important to me for a very long time.

I have accepted the responsibility for what I say, how I say it, when I say it, if I even say it at all.

I cannot and will not accept the responsibility of someone else’s feelings if I am speaking my personal truth.

It is unfair for anyone to try to push the responsibility of their emotional reaction to something onto another person.

I’ve done it in my distant past, and I’ve had it done to me.  It is not right, it is not healthy, and it doesn’t get anyone anywhere.

If I say something is ok, it’s ok.  I’m not deflecting.

If I say I’m not ok, I’m not ok.

If I say I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to talk about it.

If I say I don’t want help, I don’t want help.

If I ask for advice, I’m absolutely planning on taking it.

If I say I need to think, I’m going to think.  That’s what I do.

If I say I’m not going to do something, I’m not going to do it.

If I say I’m going to try, I’m going to try.

If I say I’ve got a lot going on, I do, even if I don’t tell you every little detail of it.

A big issue I’ve seen over the years (and I am certainly guilty of it since I wasn’t shown any other way) is that people project their own thoughts, their own biases, their own misguided views, their own wants, their own fears, their own wool onto those around them.  They do this and end up painting those around them (often falsely) in a negatively altered light.

It took me a long time to work through this and try to get past it and to see things differently, and to function differently.  It is all too easy to fall back into those habits, however.  Far too easy, because it was something that was often unwittingly forced down our throats growing up.

I always hated the feelings I had growing up, fostered by the intense mind games teenagers sometimes are apt to play.  Always seeing that everyone was being played one way or another, constantly worrying about what people were actually thinking and saying when I wasn’t there.  Wondering if what they were saying directly to me was the truth, or just what they wanted me to hear.  I’ve been taught time and again through experience that this is still so rampant among people.

And my continued disappointments come from eventually just taking everyone at their word, because I try so hard to be plain, honest, and simple in my communications with people.  I take them at their word, and sometimes it still bites me in the ass.  Thankfully not nearly as much as it did in past years.  For that I am extremely grateful, because life in general tends to be a lot less stressful in that manner.

 

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Mary

Wife, student, new first time mother. Crafter and creator. Animal enthusiast. I had a miscarriage in March 2011. But we tried again. March, 2012 was the birth of my first child. Off and on I have been dabbling with small business, trying to get it off the ground since, every so often changing direction.

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