Just Because of X, Doesn’t Mean X


Just because I’m alone, doesn’t mean I’m lonely.

I often don’t mind the relatively peace and quiet of being alone (alone is relative since I’ve got Zoe), because it really just lets my mind have some time to find it’s own quiet.  Which it doesn’t get too often.  My mind is rarely without some huge jumble of thoughts running through it, fleeting, flitting, crossing over each other..  And this is when I’m relaxed.

When I’m not relaxed, my mind is on hyper-drive.  Thoughts are crashing into each other, mixing, becoming even more confusing than they usually are.  It’s hard to keep things remotely organized in my brain.  Feelings, emotions, thoughts, ideas, then comes the worry, and in extreme cases, the kinds of thoughts that pervaded my existence for most of my life growing up.  The self-doubt, the what-ifs, the reading between the lines of the lines until shit that was never there is suddenly there.  The hyper-focus on crap that just doesn’t matter in the long run.

Just because I’m quiet, doesn’t mean I’m depressed/angry/sad, etc.

Sure, sometimes it might be the case, but it’s by far not always the case.  Because of my racing thoughts, I need quiet, even from myself.  I need to shut the hell up and just listen to the quiet, or some music, something to bring healthy focus to my thoughts, or an escape from the storm inside my head.

Often not talking, not necessarily going to those around me to talk about things is necessary.  While sometimes it is, if it is, you will know, because I will have come to you to talk about it.  Otherwise, leave me to my quiet.  My quiet is for me.  It’s not me doing anything to anyone.  It’s me doing something for me.  Huge difference.

Just because I’m in pain, doesn’t mean I’m incapable.

Yep.  And just because I know my limitations, doesn’t mean I’m lazy or not trying.

Sometimes I’m stupid and I push myself too hard, too fast, but over the years, I’ve learned (and re-learned) not to do that.  But yes, I have been dealing with varying degrees and types of back pain for more than half my life.  Just because you see me walking around and moving well, doesn’t mean I don’t hurt.  I don’t have to mention it or complain about it for it to be true.  I have my limitations, and I’ve grudgingly accepted that I indeed do have limitations.  Just because I have them, doesn’t mean I’m lazy or not trying hard enough, or not pushing myself hard enough.  I respect my body to know when to just plain stop, or when not to do something in particular because I know how much pain I will be in later.  Most of the time I do not complain about my pain.  When I do, you can bet that it’s past the point of normal tolerance for me.  Do not mistake that for “not being in that much pain”.

Just because I’m sometimes loud, doesn’t mean I’ve lost my temper.

I can’t win, can I?  If I’m quiet, there’s something wrong.  If I raise the volume of my voice for any reason, there’s something wrong.  Not true in the slightest.  This is mostly in regard to my dealing with Zoe.  Sometimes a quick and volume-raised sound gets her attention better than any quiet attempt to get her attention.  I’m ok with that.  Zoe is ok with that.  It doesn’t upset her.  So don’t let it upset  you.  You aren’t her parent.  I am.

Just because I don’t reach out all the time, doesn’t mean I’m gone.

My time sitting back and taking time for myself is exactly that.  It’s me taking time for myself, to get things done, to tend to my own health, home, sanity, to re-center myself.  I’m always here.  I haven’t gone anywhere.  It doesn’t mean I don’t care, or any other thought like it.  It doesn’t mean anything weird is going on.  It doesn’t mean there is something wrong.  It doesn’t mean anything negative at all.  Despite efforts to be otherwise, I simply can not be in constant contact with everyone around me all the time.  It’s quite literally draining on my energy, I process things so differently that I need to take time out, sometimes a LOT of time, to process it all, think it all through, sort it to where it needs to go in my brain and recuperate my energy stores.  Dealing with a lot of people for long periods takes a ton of energy out of me, and I need times to charge back up.  It has nothing to do with anyone negatively.  It’s a simple statement of fact.  It’s not because people are bad, or negative or I don’t like them or anything like that.  I just need that time to be able to continue functioning the way that is most healthy for me.  I still try to keep up on things that are happening, but sometimes I miss things.  I’m human.

Just because I say no, doesn’t mean I don’t care.

My reasons for saying no to something are my own.  No is a perfectly acceptable answer to something, even if it isn’t what you wanted to hear.  If you want your own “no’s” to be accepted and respected, then respect when other people say it.  I usually say no when I am very much in need of putting some work into something, be it something important or impending, or my own personal health and well-being.  If it’s an emergency, it certainly warrants putting my own stuff aside and saying yes.  But if it’s not, I absolutely reserve the right to say no and not have it held against me.  I’m not a bad person for occasionally saying no.

 

 

 

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Mary

Wife, student, new first time mother. Crafter and creator. Animal enthusiast. I had a miscarriage in March 2011. But we tried again. March, 2012 was the birth of my first child. Off and on I have been dabbling with small business, trying to get it off the ground since, every so often changing direction.

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