When nothing works…


Force of will is a pretty incredible thing, if you sit down and think about it.

My force of will has cracks, crags, and crevices right now.

My ability to behave as normally as possible is shaky at best.

The pounding headaches from swallowing so much stress, anxiety, hormonal rages, sadness, frustration, acute and painful awareness,  the feeling of consistent failure, the lows dropping off in an instant after a small success swallowing whatever good mood I might have been clinging to.

Breathing isn’t working.

Yoga isn’t working.

Stretching isn’t working.

Eating healthier isn’t working.

Aromatherapy isn’t working.

Self-love isn’t working.

Sunshine isn’t working.

Fresh air isn’t working.

5-HTP isn’t working.

But I’m going to keep trying.

Nothing is working.  And the acute awareness that nothing is working is killing me. I am crying practically every day, I’m quite literally shoving my hands into my hair and pulling, I’m amazed I’m not bald.  My voice is louder, far louder than I ever want it to be this often.  I hate the sound of my own voice at this point.  My throat is getting sore from the effort to speak lowly instead of screaming.  My thoughts are racing a million miles a minute, sometimes so fast that I can’t pick out the thoughts, let alone concentrate on anything.  Bursts of energy between periods of feeling lightheaded and lethargic, fearful to drive most of the time.  Old fears and anxieties and insecurities, all those old nagging voices clouding my very being.

My force of will is failing.  Absolutely and utterly failing.  And knowing that I have to wait for my doctor’s appointment is just making this time go by excruciatingly slow.

I have had anxiety my entire life.

I’ve learned how to deal with it, to the point where most people wouldn’t even guess that I did.

Some people think this, what I’m feeling, is in some way “normal” because of the basic stresses in my life right now.

I can flat out tell you, no.  This is in no way normal.  And I’m tired of hearing it or it being insinuated that it is..  I know it’s not normal, which is why I’m going to the doctor.  I’ve been through moves.  I’ve been through deployments.  I’ve been through the crap that inevitably happens on deployment.  My kid is now two.  I’ve been through the rough adjustment of having a kid for the first time.  Are all these things hard in their own right?  Absolutely.

But this is not normal.  And I need to say it as much as I need others to understand it.  There is nothing “wrong” with it being not normal.  It’s a simple, simple fact.  Something inside of me is broken.  Something is throwing me so far out of left field that I can’t use my LONG HONED skills of self-awareness, introspection, rational thinking, and reasoning.  Things that I have used and adjusted for most of my life to not require visits to the doctor.  My (admittedly very) small bit of knowledge of psychology and the brain and whatnot has served me very, very well over the years.

Those things, among others, are no longer working.  Absolutely nothing is working to quell the rising waves of rage, anguish, frustration, fear, anxiety that are being met with waves of almost manic good moods.  THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

When nothing works, you have to go on a search to find what will.  And that thing is beyond my scope at this point, so I’m going to see a doctor.  And no, that visit can not come quick enough.

 

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Mary

Wife, student, new first time mother. Crafter and creator. Animal enthusiast. I had a miscarriage in March 2011. But we tried again. March, 2012 was the birth of my first child. Off and on I have been dabbling with small business, trying to get it off the ground since, every so often changing direction.

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