It’s been almost a year since I was verbally whacked over the head enough to drag my procrastinating ass to the doctor.
It’s been almost a year since what was the biggest emotional hurricane I’ve had since I was a teenager.
It’s been a rather interesting year.
It’s also been hard, not just on me, but those around me, and for that there is nothing I feel I can say that can tell them how much I appreciate their patience, love and support.
I was placed on Celexa (citalopram) for depression. It was a last resort for me. (If you want, check out my post “When nothing works..” and the one before and the one after.)
It was never intended to be something I rely on for the rest of my life. I’d dealt with things as naturally as possible to that point, I’m determined to continue doing so. However, I’ve become convinced that the worst of it was dulled for many years through taking birth control for most of my life from the time I was about 15. After coming off of them when we decided to start trying to get pregnant, my body eventually readjusted. Apparently that readjustment wasn’t exactly a good one.
I’ve been trying to wean myself off my medication for a while now, after going through yet another depressive state for a couple of months straight while on this medication. I have visited my doctor, they had a cancellation and moved my appointment up. He is perfectly ok with me weaning myself off. I’ve halved my dose for a while now, which didn’t bother him since I was feeling better for it.
He did say that I had options, such as switching to a different SSRI, or to another class of medication all together, or going back on birth control. Or both.
I pretty much flat out told him no on all fronts.
I refuse to go back on birth control because of my experiences since the Depo-Provera shot, which I have also written about in the past. I have attempted once, if not twice to go back on birth control since then, and very quickly found that the positives were not in any way going to outweigh the negatives.
Though, I do believe that he isn’t really convinced or really even listened to, or really heard me when it came to how extreme the effects on my system it had. It seems very few doctors have, if any, so far. The only one that really listened was the psych guy back on Bangor they made me talk to. He was more convinced that most of my problems stemmed from my endocrine system and wasn’t necessarily purely depressive.
My doctor here also wants me to talk to the psych guy here, as well. I told him he’s free to call up the Bangor base medical and get my stuff, or talk to the guy I talked to.
Once again, they completely and utterly dismissed the idea of checking my hormone levels. I’m not too happy about that, but at least he isn’t against me just plain getting myself off the Celexa. I want it out of my system. It worked for a short time, then just plain stopped. Then I had to take it just to feel even remotely normal. If I forgot to take it, the withdrawal symptoms were/are horrible.
Though, the unfortunate thing is that I’m going to have to suck it up. Which were his exact words, because I told him flat out that I didn’t want to go back on birth control, and I wasn’t willing to switch to anything else. And I’m all for sucking it up, since the sooner I can get this stuff out of my system, the better.
So far, the worst of it seems to have passed, having cut down my dose already.
There is far more negative than positive to being on this medication, as much as being on birth control would be. I’ve become hyper sensitive it seems to mood-stabilizers. I become a zombie at times, floating through, foggy, and at times extremely withdrawn. The worst thing is the times when I’m painfully aware of it, but can’t break past the wall of it. My rational mind doesn’t do me any good at times, which kills me.
After going through what hopefully will only be a few weeks or so of the worst of this whole weaning thing, it’ll be another adventure in finding just what my chemical “normal” is, and how to deal with it. And hopefully convincing my doctor that it may just be stemming from a long-covered-up issue with my hormones. Or finding a new doctor that will listen to me.