Life moves. Time happens.
Nothing we do can stop that. What we do can cause the self to rotate in a small circle while life moves around us, time continues to flow, and it can feel as if we’re stuck.
I’ve been oddly acutely aware that a lot of things have been floating in the ether around my little rotation, that I just haven’t been able to reach in the last handful of months, possibly stretching to close to a year. I won’t say they’re things I’ve lost, like I might have in the past, but they’ve just been a bit out of reach.
Admittedly, there are a lot of factors that have gone into this, as with other stages of my life where I’ve dealt with similar. On some days, when I reflect on these things, it feels like I go through more patches of this nebulous state of being more and more than I get to experience the clearer state of being. That is a realization that often is extremely disheartening and overwhelming.
There have been a lot of habits that have formed because of this emotional, physical, mental and psychological fog that I keep experiencing that stems from hormonal shifts, depression and anxiety. These are things that I am going to try to be far more proactive in recognizing, communicating about, and getting support during than I have before. I want to find the rope that I can use to pull me forward, up and out, and in one, good direction instead of allowing myself to fall into a rotation of “safety blanket” behaviors that weren’t necessarily “bad”, but allowed me to remain in a place of false security.
So many people talk about resolutions around the turn of one year into the next. Some people refuse at all to have resolutions, and I’ve been in both of those camps.
I wouldn’t say I’m still in the latter camp. I feel like I’m somewhere in between. I’m not focusing on some kind of hard line list of things I want to attempt to live up to. I’m also not bucking the entire idea that I need to try to force new changes in the new year simply because it’s a new year and it’s a “thing” to at least SAY I’m going to be making X change and Y change and Z change. I also feel like if I were to sit here and list a bunch of things for everyone to see, it cheapens the intent, and causes far too much self-imposed anxiety and overwhelm over attempting to adhere explicitly and rigidly to these things, especially publicly.
On one hand, I feel like it’s a more personal thing, a sometimes more private thing. And on the other, sometimes it takes bringing those close to you “into the know” in order to get the kind of support and help one might need in the process. I also believe that it should be more free flowing, less rigid, and subject to adjustment and change where necessary without the guilt and assumption of failure that is too often applied.
While I don’t want to have a list, I actually do have something one could easily call a list. At times, when I allow my brain to really start engaging again, I do have a somewhat sick love for semantics. 🙂
There are areas, categories perhaps, that I want to focus on, to work on, to really engage in again to try to create that forward motion I’m looking for. I am struggling with whether or not to create a visual representation of sorts in order to keep myself reminded, to keep my self more aware, to allow myself to have that poke to stop, breathe, look inward, and to communicate. I worry about such a thing becoming that hard line list of things, and if I don’t find obvious success, that it’s just another failure.
I have found that this tends to be one of my bigger issues… I think too much and often when I’m not out of my fog, it’s far to easy to let the invasive, negative thoughts in and to talk myself out of one thing that is the better thing, and into something else that isn’t going to push me forward.
This is a new year for all of us. We all can choose to do things in whatever way we want. That is the beautiful thing.
I’m going to make lots of choices. I can only hope I’ll make more choices that are forward moving than I have been.