The Struggle Between Motivation and Giving Up

Lately I have had a bit more motivation, and ideas are flowing, and lots of things I look forward to doing.  I have even been in a good mood for the most part, excited and energized.

However, there has been a looming shadow in my thoughts.  I’m frustrated, and feeling rather disheartened with how much legwork I’ve been putting into trying to drive traffic to my shops (there are three now, as I thought having more platforms would yield perhaps a couple more sales, some is better than none, right?), and seeing nothing really come of it.

Now, I know that some that have a more positive outlook, and perhaps more business savvy than I have can see the benefits of what little traffic I do get as part of the longer term.  But I’m having a really hard time believing it.  I want to.  Believe me, I want to.

I understand that most, if not everyone who tries to start a business from the ground up, whether or not it started as a hobby at one point, feel keenly the struggle of learning, of growing, of trying and failing, and trying again.

And perhaps that’s all this feeling is.  I hope that is all it is.  Dealing with my depression and anxiety has put an extra layer of clouds on things at times, and I know it has certainly had a negative impact on what I’m trying to do.  But, I also realize that I need to tend to myself in order to continue moving forward, and not completely string myself out trying to fight it.  I almost feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own head, around my own self at times.  It’s a weird feeling.

I do not want to give in.  I do not want to give up.

But perhaps the odd need to cry is something I should just do, be done with it and move on.  The clouds need to rain to lighten their load, after all.

 

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Overwhelm, my old friend.

I have realized (once again) it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted anything.  I think many of you have grown accustomed to that at this point.  Even so, my apologies.

While things have certainly gotten better in general, I’m no longer on anti-depressants, and my body is shifting back to it’s own version of “normal”, I’ve been dealing with figuring out just how I want to continue dealing with all of this.

I have started Saw Palmetto, and at the very least it’s helped tame some of the androgen that my body apparently over-produces when I’m not on birth control (which the birth controls I’ve been on happen to target).  I still have some intense mood swings, and the occasional intense pain from my cycle, but at least my skin isn’t as oily, my mustache is going away, and my skin is clearing up.  (Seriously, I started feeling like a teenager.)

Though, the rest of my skin clearing can be attributed to going back on Proactiv.  No, I’m not plugging it, but it’s really the only thing that has ever worked for my couple of stubborn spots.

My weight has fluctuated about 10 pounds, and I’m trying to work on that as gradually as possible.  There’s still some changes to make, and I’m working on those.  We’ve make a concerted effort to changing our evening dining habits, and we’re now in the third week.  We’re also trying to get up and out a little more often, which has been nice.

While a lot has gotten better, I’m still dealing greatly with an over-sensitivity to feeling overwhelmed, and it’s frustrating because I feel like it’s happening for no reason.  So, yeah.  Lots of cyclical emotional garbage, which is nothing new.

The periods seem to come and go quicker, though, which is both good, and a little frustrating.  When things are good, I am pretty productive, but then then I hit the wall pretty hard and it just knocks me so far back.  Trying to power through it as much as possible, though.

But having made a couple new friends and having an amazing friend move to the area has been a big boost for me.

So, here’s to grabbing the sunshine whenever possible and forcing myself to like it.

 

 

The Boys Will Play… Meat, meat, and more meat.

So, as some of you know, James and Kirk started a “stalker blog” as Kirk calls it.  We’ve (mostly they) have been cooking out of the Heritage Cookbook from Sean Brock and his current tenure with Husk here in Charleston, SC., and out in Nashville, TN.

Over time, the plan is to try cooking every single recipe in the book, and blog about each one.  I’m not entirely sure just exactly how many we’ve done.  You can check out their blog here:  Ox and Brock.

Last Friday was the Low Country Boil, which was also the start of preparations for this upcoming Saturday, which will be Heritage’s whole pig roast.  We requested that attendees brought some tidbits.  The big thing was for people to being cinder blocks for the building of a place to roast the pig.  It’s still in the building stage, but it’s certainly progressing.

Of course, I had completely stressed myself out with not just my normal every day stuff, but deep cleaning the majority of our house, decorating for Halloween, and also tending to my Etsy shop.  The idea of that many people being here was certainly not something I was looking forward to because of my anxiety, and thankfully James, Kirk, Kari and those closest to us here were pretty darned understanding and very supportive in getting me through.

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Looks good, doesn’t it?  It was.  It was so, so good.  And the first three batches were completely demolished in no time flat.  Quite a bit of the last batch was leftover, which I’m in the process of turning into (sans all prawn and shrimp) a smooth potato soup with corn and sausage.

Now, it is Wednesday, I’m calmer than I was last week, despite the looming whole pig roast on Saturday.  I’m honestly a bit worried about the weather, it’s been cloudy and rainy every day since Sunday, at least.  And the projections for the weekend haven’t looked good the last handful of days, but it’s starting to look a little better.  For their sake, at least.  And…my yard. It already retains quite a bit of water regularly, despite being a bit elevated from the yard behind our property.  Hopefully things won’t get too torn up.

I’m definitely thinking this time around we’re going to possibly also ask people to bring any tent-like things just in case.  We only have the one, and even if it’s sunny, it’ll be nice to have some extra shade.

Rain or shine, though, this this is happening.  I’ll certainly be interesting to see what happens!

Rain, Flooding, Broken Things and Pretty Stuff

The last month or so has certainly been interesting.

A few weeks ago, Hurricane Joaquin battered the Bahamas, and sent a rather troubling amount of rain to quite a bit of the east coast.  Thankfully we have not had too much of an issue because of it, but different areas in our state have been hit quite hard.  We’ve also had a few things to get repaired at our rental a couple towns over, but nothing too extreme, thankfully.

We’ve made new friends, had some good times out and about with new friends and old friends.

The weather has certainly taken a turn for the better in so many ways.  We’ve had quite a bit of clear skies since the storm passed.  It occasionally slips back up into the 80’s, but at least it’s not humid to go with it.  We’ve had dips down into the 60’s during the day and 40’s over night, which has also been quite nice.  We’ve turned the A/C off and had the windows open for a couple weeks now.

We’ve also been planning a couple of outdoor cooking shindigs, which I am certainly looking forward to.

I’m still battling the occasional fall back into the fog that comes from my depression and moving off of my anti-depressants.  But overall things are getting better, slowly.

I have had a few good days this week, though.  Quite productive in comparison to my foggy days.  But, even my foggy days aren’t my worst days, which I am thankful for.  I’ve been able to get 10 new things listed in my shop, some of which were waiting to be photographed and listed, the others were made in the last few days.

I’ve done a bit more work in organizing my yarn and completed projects, cleaned up my work space a bit and cleared out the growing mound of works-in-progress and random balls of yarn from my usual place in the living room.  It’s not perfect, but it’s certainly a big improvement!

Due to the rains, we’ve had a bit of an issue in the back yard with some ant colonies making their way up to the surface.  We’re hoping that subsides soon.  James has also replaced one of the plum trees that didn’t take from the last owner of this house, and two peach trees, they’re now planted in the back yard.

We’ve changed up some of our plans for the vegetables and herbs.  Some of which are still potted, we’ve placed them in the edging by the fence where our “garden” is.  The start of which was made by the previous owners. They really did an amazing job, but with some of the spaces there are, we’ve planted strawberries, among other things, and they’re doing well.  I will probably transplant a couple things as they start to outgrow their pots, but so far the ones we’ve got potted are doing great as they are, so are placed in the spaces in their pots. They’re rooting down through the bottom of the pot.

Now to eventually address the patio situation.  Not sure when we’re going to do it, but I think we’ve settled on using composite material “wood” for a larger, wider entertaining space out back.

Here’s a few pictures of the things I’ve done lately!

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Pretty, Shiny Things!

When I take breaks from yarn, I sometimes make pretty, shiny things!

Check them out in my shop!

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Oh!  And I finally set up my adjustable dress form!  Isn’t it awesome?

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Craft Office Progress!

So, I made some progress on the office late in the week.

It’s still very, VERY rough (don’t judge) seeing as I’m still pulling all my stuff out of the random hiding places around the house.  Oh, and out of boxes from the move, almost a year ago.  (Again, don’t judge.  I already am.)

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Some small progress once I really started digging through my jewelry making stuff.  It’s just a starting point, though.  The desk itself needs some work to look a little less haggard, but it’ll get the job done for the time being.  The desk will largely be used for beading, jewelry and whatnot to start off, because I can crochet pretty much anywhere.  😀

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As you can see, my bookshelf has been taken over.  This as well is just a starting point.  Though, I have to admit I like being able to actually SEE all (ok, you got me, some…maybe most) of my yarn without digging.  I still have a couple stashes I have yet to dig out.  And who knows, I might even have more in the boxes of craft stuff that have barely been broken in to.

What isn’t pictured is the metal shelving and clear plastic bins that James had gotten for me for the spare room’s closet in our last house.  That’s in the closet in the office.  That also needs to be sorted through.  I’m definitely just tossing little tidbits from years ago that I probably shouldn’t have held onto in the first place.  And old projects.  I need to not have the weight of those hanging around.  Starting with an actual office, a craft space, I want to feel less weighed down by the things I was doing years ago, and all the unfinished projects.  What gets tossed, gets tossed.  Other things will either be handed down to Zoe for crafting (appropriately, of course), or donated.

That closet is a pretty decent standard size, so at least there is plenty of room.  The shelving takes up probably a little over half the width, and with the two blue bins emptied of yarn, there is quite a bit of space now.  Those bins will probably go toward my other love, Halloween.  😀  There is also a shelf running the entire width above my head which now houses a random collection of pillow bases, fiber fill, currently unused purses, costumes and halloween decor.  I really do need to getting those pillows used.

Looking forward to some ideas on how to better utilize the space, but…one thing at a time.

I’m still lacking an office chair, which we’ve not needed since the last time we were in South Carolina.  But, seeing as it’s going to be a shared office, I’m thinking one chair most of the time will be perfectly fine.  A rolly one, of course.  For the time being I have confiscated one of the dining room chairs.  Not like we need the 4th chair most of the time, there are only three of us.  Which reminds me, those 4 chairs are from the small dining table.  Now that we’ve got a proper sized dining room, we’ve dug up the full sized table, which can tightly fit 10 people, comfortably fit 8, and spaciously fit 6.  But alas, we only have 4 chairs.  That’s a project for another day.