Dwelling On vs. Acknowledging Something Negative

This is something I’ve been working on for a long, long time.  I still need to revisit it from time to time, especially when dealing with either my depression, my anxiety, or both.

Sometimes I struggle with it more in some moments, not because of my own mind, but because of the reactions of others if I bring up something negative that is going on, or something I’m feeling that is negative, or some kind of issue I need to bounce off someone, or even something that isn’t that huge of a deal and I just mention it off-hand to someone, and their response is just so negative in return that it throws me for a loop for a while.

Toss into that mix the ridiculous amount of brain power and time I spend re-playing conversations in my head, or the things I would have said had I had the opportunity, or had thought of it at the time, or just plain wished I said but bit my tongue.

These are often times when I realize that I forget that lots of people’s brains and thought processes just do not work the way mine does, and I shouldn’t dwell on their reaction, because they don’t always know exactly where I’m coming from in the moment.

There are many things I try very hard, every single day, not to dwell on.  Some days are easier than others, depending on my “levels” that day (hormones, depression, anxiety).  The days where it’s easy are the days I long for.  I wish they were in the majority, not the minority.  Yet another thing for me to occasionally dwell on.  The list gets vast.

But… all said, I’m definitely getting better at reminding myself not to dwell.

The next step that I’m actively starting to realize is to communicate my feelings in some way, either here, or to my husband, or to a friend, in order to at least release that energy out into the universe and rid my body and mind of it, at least for a while.  The release is something I’ve struggled incredibly with for a long time, and it’s something I have just plain forgotten for far too long.

That brings me often to dwelling on feeling like I’m a burden on those around me, because of the things I struggle with internally.  I feel like if I go through a period where I am consistently needing to release something stressful, anxiety-ridden, or worrying that I’m slipping into depression, that I’m just going to drag everyone down around me.  I dwell on thinking that the only way a conversation pertaining to those things can only go down, and not end in a place where I’m actually doing better than I was when I started.  Which, intellectually, I know is a fallacy.

I dwell on being “too needy”, not independent enough, too emotional, too unstable, not actually capable of adulting, even though I manage it without any major disasters every single day.

I’ve too often forced a smile onto my face, bit back the tears, and swallowed the rising lump and bile in my throat, so I don’t make anyone’s day worse than it might already be.

I don’t want to be “that guy”, so they say.

And perhaps because of that, because of the standard that I’ve managed to create in my own life, it can often feel like I’m not allowed to feel my feelings.  I’m not allowed to break down.  I’m not allowed to get frustrated and huff.

Do I need to find better ways to handle my emotions?  Absolutely.  No doubt in my mind.  But I also need to feel like I’m allowed to feel my feelings without repercussion, as long as I’m not taking it out on someone.  I want to be told (pretty much like a child) that it’s ok to feel mad about something.  It’s ok to feel sad about something.  It’s ok to feel anxious about something.  It’s ok to feel frustrated over something.  I want to know that it’s ok.  That I’m not less of a person for it.

I also need to communicate when I start feeling this way.  I know that. And I’m certainly trying.  Perhaps the key (sometimes) to not dwelling, is to talk.  To put a name to the emotions.



The Struggle Between Motivation and Giving Up

Lately I have had a bit more motivation, and ideas are flowing, and lots of things I look forward to doing.  I have even been in a good mood for the most part, excited and energized.

However, there has been a looming shadow in my thoughts.  I’m frustrated, and feeling rather disheartened with how much legwork I’ve been putting into trying to drive traffic to my shops (there are three now, as I thought having more platforms would yield perhaps a couple more sales, some is better than none, right?), and seeing nothing really come of it.

Now, I know that some that have a more positive outlook, and perhaps more business savvy than I have can see the benefits of what little traffic I do get as part of the longer term.  But I’m having a really hard time believing it.  I want to.  Believe me, I want to.

I understand that most, if not everyone who tries to start a business from the ground up, whether or not it started as a hobby at one point, feel keenly the struggle of learning, of growing, of trying and failing, and trying again.

And perhaps that’s all this feeling is.  I hope that is all it is.  Dealing with my depression and anxiety has put an extra layer of clouds on things at times, and I know it has certainly had a negative impact on what I’m trying to do.  But, I also realize that I need to tend to myself in order to continue moving forward, and not completely string myself out trying to fight it.  I almost feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own head, around my own self at times.  It’s a weird feeling.

I do not want to give in.  I do not want to give up.

But perhaps the odd need to cry is something I should just do, be done with it and move on.  The clouds need to rain to lighten their load, after all.


When nothing works…

Force of will is a pretty incredible thing, if you sit down and think about it.

My force of will has cracks, crags, and crevices right now.

My ability to behave as normally as possible is shaky at best.

The pounding headaches from swallowing so much stress, anxiety, hormonal rages, sadness, frustration, acute and painful awareness,  the feeling of consistent failure, the lows dropping off in an instant after a small success swallowing whatever good mood I might have been clinging to.

Breathing isn’t working.

Yoga isn’t working.

Stretching isn’t working.

Eating healthier isn’t working.

Aromatherapy isn’t working.

Self-love isn’t working.

Sunshine isn’t working.

Fresh air isn’t working.

5-HTP isn’t working.

But I’m going to keep trying.

Nothing is working.  And the acute awareness that nothing is working is killing me. I am crying practically every day, I’m quite literally shoving my hands into my hair and pulling, I’m amazed I’m not bald.  My voice is louder, far louder than I ever want it to be this often.  I hate the sound of my own voice at this point.  My throat is getting sore from the effort to speak lowly instead of screaming.  My thoughts are racing a million miles a minute, sometimes so fast that I can’t pick out the thoughts, let alone concentrate on anything.  Bursts of energy between periods of feeling lightheaded and lethargic, fearful to drive most of the time.  Old fears and anxieties and insecurities, all those old nagging voices clouding my very being.

My force of will is failing.  Absolutely and utterly failing.  And knowing that I have to wait for my doctor’s appointment is just making this time go by excruciatingly slow.

I have had anxiety my entire life.

I’ve learned how to deal with it, to the point where most people wouldn’t even guess that I did.

Some people think this, what I’m feeling, is in some way “normal” because of the basic stresses in my life right now.

I can flat out tell you, no.  This is in no way normal.  And I’m tired of hearing it or it being insinuated that it is..  I know it’s not normal, which is why I’m going to the doctor.  I’ve been through moves.  I’ve been through deployments.  I’ve been through the crap that inevitably happens on deployment.  My kid is now two.  I’ve been through the rough adjustment of having a kid for the first time.  Are all these things hard in their own right?  Absolutely.

But this is not normal.  And I need to say it as much as I need others to understand it.  There is nothing “wrong” with it being not normal.  It’s a simple, simple fact.  Something inside of me is broken.  Something is throwing me so far out of left field that I can’t use my LONG HONED skills of self-awareness, introspection, rational thinking, and reasoning.  Things that I have used and adjusted for most of my life to not require visits to the doctor.  My (admittedly very) small bit of knowledge of psychology and the brain and whatnot has served me very, very well over the years.

Those things, among others, are no longer working.  Absolutely nothing is working to quell the rising waves of rage, anguish, frustration, fear, anxiety that are being met with waves of almost manic good moods.  THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

When nothing works, you have to go on a search to find what will.  And that thing is beyond my scope at this point, so I’m going to see a doctor.  And no, that visit can not come quick enough.