Some of the current behind the scenes goings on, via photography on Instagram.
I’m going to the doctor.
I know that it’s past time I go for a simple wellness check, and all that. I know that. I’m horrible about going to the doctor for myself. That’s no secret among those closest to me.
But it’s time that I start talking about a little of what’s been going on. I am not going to go into everything, as I’m not ready for that, but I will go into what I’m comfortable with. I feel like I need to get this off my chest.
I’ve been feeling like absolute shit. For a long time, and it’s only getting worse month to month.
I’m not sure what is going on, but I’m going to be asking about a handful of things, to see if I can get a well-rounded run-downs and tests to see what might be going on. Thyroid, hormone levels, stomach issues, and even updates on the state of my back since I threw it out again in early July.
I have good days here and there, I’ve probably had far more bad than good lately, though. Emotionally I’m batshit crazy. It may not seem it to some people, but to me, it is. This has been an absolutely extreme change in my behaviors, and it scares the living shit out of me. Which of course (as I’ve mentioned in so many posts) tends to be an extremely vicious circle of emotions surrounding frustration, awareness, lack of control, and guilt when I can’t handle this stuff and I lose it.
There are certainly some stressors in my life, and those things have gone up and down over the last year. When I’m feeling balanced, I can usually handle these kinds of things pretty well, I may need a period to bitch and moan and cry and I’m done with it. But I have felt absolutely out of my mind lately and not having my husband here to be my rock has been incredibly hard. But on the other hand, as I’ve told him, I’m glad he hasn’t been here to see me at what I believe to be my recent “worst”. I have spent a long time gaining control over my emotions. All of it is out the window at this point. I don’t believe that it’s purely stress. It is to the point where I think there might be something medically amiss in my brain and body at this point. I do believe that there is a huge possibility that there is some chemical or hormonal imbalance. Or hell, it could be something else entirely that just happens to have seriously shitty emotional side effects. Who knows. But it is doctor-worthy right now.
I’ve been on birth control since I was a teenager, rarely being off of it for half my life. Since choosing to get pregnant and having my child, I’ve been off of it for a period, but I had the natural boost of pregnancy and breastfeeding to supplement any possible hormonal deficiency I might have had at the time. During pregnancy I had felt things I had not felt so easily in so, so long. It was nice. Even the period following giving birth things were better.
Then I decided to go back on the Nuva Ring, (the Depo Provera shot is what tipped the scales when I got married, into crappy territory). I started to feel similar effects after returning to the Nuva Ring as I had felt from the Depo Provera shot. My daughter is almost 2.5 years old now. Things have only steadily gotten worse for me in that time. And more so in the last handful of months.
I’ve tried multiple times to get into better, healthier habits. And the drive and the want is there, but emotionally I feel stunted most of the time. And the fact that I know this is going on and little to nothing I’m trying to do is helping is the most frustrating thing in the world to me. Being blissfully unaware sometimes seems like it would have been easier. But I KNOW something is wrong.
Physically I’ve been feeling like absolute crap most of the time. My pain levels have been in flux far more than I feel like they should, I’m getting sick far more often than I usually do. I sometimes can’t eat. I sometimes eat way too much. (Thankfully I haven’t gained anything, but I haven’t lost anything, either.) I force myself to try to do all the things I am supposed to be doing (of course except for making a doctor’s appointment before now). I’m trying so hard to not be a complete basket case for my daughter. To not be one around my friends. **(see bottom of post)
I feel like my entire system is completely out of whack no matter what I do. My emotions are on the most incredible roller-coaster I’ve felt them be on in a long, long, long time. I can go from 0-60 and back again within minutes. My patience can be infinite, or it can be non-existent. I can be in an almost manic-good mood one moment, and be screaming into a pillow the next. I’m crying more days than not. Sometimes for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
I absolutely hate how things have been lately, and I can only hope that these crazy spells aren’t having some kind of lasting effect on my child. Which I’m sure any of you can commiserate being an understandable fear and probably unfounded in the long run, but hasn’t really helped me in getting myself back on track.
I’m absolutely exhausted from my body not feeling well, I’ve been absolutely exhausted from trying to control all these things that I’ve come to understand that I just plain can’t control on my own right now, in order to make my daughter’s day to day not as bad as I fear it may have been these past weeks.
Normal stresses have felt like impossible things to handle sometimes, and I relish in the good days when I feel like I have the energy and brain power to actually be productive and get things done, especially when it comes to getting things ready for the impending move. But those good days seem so very, very few and far between. Realizing the swing from a few bad days here and there to only having a few good days here and there has been a rough one. Things that shouldn’t stress me out have been things I’ve been practically tearing my hair out over. Some of the dumbest things ever have made me cry, feel useless, worthless, incompetent, and realizing that none of that is true but I still feel it? Infuriating. Being actively aware of the absolute insanity going on inside of you is nuts. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, it’s demoralizing.
So, I’m saying it again. I’m going to the doctor. Unfortunately they can’t see me for a couple weeks. I will be calling to see if they can get me in on a sooner cancellation.
**As for my friends (and family), know that I have made the conscious choice to not completely dump all of this on you. And please, PLEASE do not tell me that I should have. No, I shouldn’t have. My choice is my choice. Don’t say or do anything to make me feel bad for not opening up about this sooner. Just simply support me if you want to. I know you’re there. I know you care. I’m not sitting here thinking I’m alone. I know I’m not. I don’t need platitudes. I don’t need empty words. Be there if I do come to you. That’s all I ask. And if you feel you can’t, then simply tell me. I will never hold that against any of you. I know that dealing with someone else’s issues sometimes is not the best thing for you to take on. Trust me, I understand, because I at times absolutely have had to wall myself away from other people’s issues because it wasn’t good or healthy for me to deal with them. It didn’t lessen my love for anyone. It has been me trying to do best by me. Not by everyone else, or what everyone else thinks I should be doing. My choices are for me, and for my daughter right now. And it may be the ultra hard choice, but that is the one I’m making.