Dwelling On vs. Acknowledging Something Negative

This is something I’ve been working on for a long, long time.  I still need to revisit it from time to time, especially when dealing with either my depression, my anxiety, or both.

Sometimes I struggle with it more in some moments, not because of my own mind, but because of the reactions of others if I bring up something negative that is going on, or something I’m feeling that is negative, or some kind of issue I need to bounce off someone, or even something that isn’t that huge of a deal and I just mention it off-hand to someone, and their response is just so negative in return that it throws me for a loop for a while.

Toss into that mix the ridiculous amount of brain power and time I spend re-playing conversations in my head, or the things I would have said had I had the opportunity, or had thought of it at the time, or just plain wished I said but bit my tongue.

These are often times when I realize that I forget that lots of people’s brains and thought processes just do not work the way mine does, and I shouldn’t dwell on their reaction, because they don’t always know exactly where I’m coming from in the moment.

There are many things I try very hard, every single day, not to dwell on.  Some days are easier than others, depending on my “levels” that day (hormones, depression, anxiety).  The days where it’s easy are the days I long for.  I wish they were in the majority, not the minority.  Yet another thing for me to occasionally dwell on.  The list gets vast.

But… all said, I’m definitely getting better at reminding myself not to dwell.

The next step that I’m actively starting to realize is to communicate my feelings in some way, either here, or to my husband, or to a friend, in order to at least release that energy out into the universe and rid my body and mind of it, at least for a while.  The release is something I’ve struggled incredibly with for a long time, and it’s something I have just plain forgotten for far too long.

That brings me often to dwelling on feeling like I’m a burden on those around me, because of the things I struggle with internally.  I feel like if I go through a period where I am consistently needing to release something stressful, anxiety-ridden, or worrying that I’m slipping into depression, that I’m just going to drag everyone down around me.  I dwell on thinking that the only way a conversation pertaining to those things can only go down, and not end in a place where I’m actually doing better than I was when I started.  Which, intellectually, I know is a fallacy.

I dwell on being “too needy”, not independent enough, too emotional, too unstable, not actually capable of adulting, even though I manage it without any major disasters every single day.

I’ve too often forced a smile onto my face, bit back the tears, and swallowed the rising lump and bile in my throat, so I don’t make anyone’s day worse than it might already be.

I don’t want to be “that guy”, so they say.

And perhaps because of that, because of the standard that I’ve managed to create in my own life, it can often feel like I’m not allowed to feel my feelings.  I’m not allowed to break down.  I’m not allowed to get frustrated and huff.

Do I need to find better ways to handle my emotions?  Absolutely.  No doubt in my mind.  But I also need to feel like I’m allowed to feel my feelings without repercussion, as long as I’m not taking it out on someone.  I want to be told (pretty much like a child) that it’s ok to feel mad about something.  It’s ok to feel sad about something.  It’s ok to feel anxious about something.  It’s ok to feel frustrated over something.  I want to know that it’s ok.  That I’m not less of a person for it.

I also need to communicate when I start feeling this way.  I know that. And I’m certainly trying.  Perhaps the key (sometimes) to not dwelling, is to talk.  To put a name to the emotions.



What you can’t see..

One of the misconceptions I tend to see regarding people and how they view people with mental/emotional/psychological issues, either temporary ones or permanent ones, is that they believe that it is something that is always noticeable, obvious, despite all the contradictions to that idea that have been around for as long as I can remember in my short life.

While some people might embody what has become a stereotype of emotional illness, many do not.  Many are very good at going through the motions in daily life.

Some think that if it’s not obvious, then it’s “not that serious”.

It’s not always completely ignoring life, loved ones, responsibilities.  The struggle to keep up with those things becomes incredibly hard, and sometimes they might pick their battles with just what they can handle, how much, and when.

It’s not always not smiling, or laughing, or leaving the house.

It’s not always a complete lack of ability to enjoy something.

Going through the motions is common for so, so many reasons.

Some day are indeed better than others.

Just because it’s not every single day, or every single moment of every single day, does it mean that it’s not serious or something easily surpassed.

It doesn’t mean someone has given up.  What you might not see is just how hard they are trying, and feeling nothing but failure, because it’s out of their immediate control.

Just because you don’t see them suffering, doesn’t mean that they aren’t.

It’s About That Time…

I’m going to the doctor.

I know that it’s past time I go for a simple wellness check, and all that.  I know that.  I’m horrible about going to the doctor for myself.  That’s no secret among those closest to me.

But it’s time that I start talking about a little of what’s been going on.  I am not going to go into everything, as I’m not ready for that, but I will go into what I’m comfortable with.  I feel like I need to get this off my chest.

I’ve been feeling like absolute shit.  For a long time, and it’s only getting worse month to month.

I’m not sure what is going on, but I’m going to be asking about a handful of things, to see if I can get a well-rounded run-downs and tests to see what might be going on.  Thyroid, hormone levels, stomach issues, and even updates on the state of my back since I threw it out again in early July.

I have good days here and there, I’ve probably had far more bad than good lately, though.  Emotionally I’m batshit crazy.  It may not seem it to some people, but to me, it is.  This has been an absolutely extreme change in my behaviors, and it scares the living shit out of me.  Which of course (as I’ve mentioned in so many posts) tends to be an extremely vicious circle of emotions surrounding frustration, awareness, lack of control, and guilt when I can’t handle this stuff and I lose it.

There are certainly some stressors in my life, and those things have gone up and down over the last year.  When I’m feeling balanced, I can usually handle these kinds of things pretty well, I may need a period to bitch and moan and cry and I’m done with it.  But I have felt absolutely out of my mind lately and not having my husband here to be my rock has been incredibly hard.  But on the other hand, as I’ve told him, I’m glad he hasn’t been here to see me at what I believe to be my recent “worst”.  I have spent a long time gaining control over my emotions.  All of it is out the window at this point.  I don’t believe that it’s purely stress.  It is to the point where I think there might be something medically amiss in my brain and body at this point.  I do believe that there is a huge possibility that there is some chemical or hormonal imbalance.  Or hell, it could be something else entirely that just happens to have seriously shitty emotional side effects.  Who knows.  But it is doctor-worthy right now.

I’ve been on birth control since I was a teenager, rarely being off of it for half my life.  Since choosing to get pregnant and having my child, I’ve been off of it for a period, but I had the natural boost of pregnancy and breastfeeding to supplement any possible hormonal deficiency I might have had at the time.  During pregnancy I had felt things I had not felt so easily in so, so long.  It was nice.  Even the period following giving birth things were better.

Then I decided to go back on the Nuva Ring, (the Depo Provera shot is what tipped the scales when I got married, into crappy territory).  I started to feel similar effects after returning to the Nuva Ring as I had felt from the Depo Provera shot.  My daughter is almost 2.5 years old now.  Things have only steadily gotten worse for me in that time.  And more so in the last handful of months.

I’ve tried multiple times to get into better, healthier habits.  And the drive and the want is there, but emotionally I feel stunted most of the time.  And the fact that I know this is going on and little to nothing I’m trying to do is helping is the most frustrating thing in the world to me.  Being blissfully unaware sometimes seems like it would have been easier.  But I KNOW something is wrong.

Physically I’ve been feeling like absolute crap most of the time.  My pain levels have been in flux far more than I feel like they should, I’m getting sick far more often than I usually do.  I sometimes can’t eat.  I sometimes eat way too much.  (Thankfully I haven’t gained anything, but I haven’t lost anything, either.)  I force myself to try to do all the things I am supposed to be doing (of course except for making a doctor’s appointment before now).  I’m trying so hard to not be a complete basket case for my daughter.  To not be one around my friends.  **(see bottom of post)

I feel like my entire system is completely out of whack no matter what I do.  My emotions are on the most incredible roller-coaster I’ve felt them be on in a long, long, long time.  I can go from 0-60 and back again within minutes.  My patience can be infinite, or it can be non-existent.  I can be in an almost manic-good mood one moment, and be screaming into a pillow the next.  I’m crying more days than not.  Sometimes for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

I absolutely hate how things have been lately, and I can only hope that these crazy spells aren’t having some kind of lasting effect on my child.  Which I’m sure any of you can commiserate being an understandable fear and probably unfounded in the long run, but hasn’t really helped me in getting myself back on track.

I’m absolutely exhausted from my body not feeling well, I’ve been absolutely exhausted from trying to control all these things that I’ve come to understand that I just plain can’t control on my own right now, in order to make my daughter’s day to day not as bad as I fear it may have been these past weeks.

Normal stresses have felt like impossible things to handle sometimes, and I relish in the good days when I feel like I have the energy and brain power to actually be productive and get things done, especially when it comes to getting things ready for the impending move.  But those good days seem so very, very few and far between.  Realizing the swing from a few bad days here and there to only having a few good days here and there has been a rough one.  Things that shouldn’t stress me out have been things I’ve been practically tearing my hair out over.  Some of the dumbest things ever have made me cry, feel useless, worthless, incompetent, and realizing that none of that is true but I still feel it?  Infuriating.  Being actively aware of the absolute insanity going on inside of you is nuts.  It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, it’s demoralizing.

So, I’m saying it again.  I’m going to the doctor.  Unfortunately they can’t see me for a couple weeks.  I will be calling to see if they can get me in on a sooner cancellation.

**As for my friends (and family), know that I have made the conscious choice to not completely dump all of this on you.  And please, PLEASE do not tell me that I should have.  No, I shouldn’t have.  My choice is my choice.  Don’t say or do anything to make me feel bad for not opening up about this sooner.  Just simply support me if you want to.  I know you’re there.  I know you care.  I’m not sitting here thinking I’m alone.  I know I’m not.  I don’t need platitudes.  I don’t need empty words.  Be there if I do come to you.  That’s all I ask.  And if you feel you can’t, then simply tell me.  I will never hold that against any of you.  I know that dealing with someone else’s issues sometimes is not the best thing for you to take on.  Trust me, I understand, because I at times absolutely have had to wall myself away from other people’s issues because it wasn’t good or healthy for me to deal with them.  It didn’t lessen my love for anyone.  It has been me trying to do best by me.  Not by everyone else, or what everyone else thinks I should be doing.  My choices are for me, and for my daughter right now.  And it may be the ultra hard choice, but that is the one I’m making.